maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
We need a shit load of segways right now
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
