how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
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