as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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