So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
