I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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