im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
