Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
