I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
