Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
This house was built for laser tag.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
