He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
