im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Sext me about skeletons
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
