Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
