people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
