Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
