My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
