I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
