So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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