I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
