chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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