im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
