I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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