I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
