I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
pray to the hookup gods
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
