my soul wont recognize me after tonight
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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