I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
