First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
