You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
