TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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