I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
