I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
