I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
