Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
