i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
