I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
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