I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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