White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
