At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
