Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
