i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
