I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
