All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
