I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
