I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
