somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
