I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
