i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
