Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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