I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
