need another drink. this is the easiest way
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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