Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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